True Country Boy is Hard to Find

(originally written January 2010)

At the new home of my old job, I have become coworkers and friends with the technicians. As is the case in all mergers, there have been adjustments...none more significant for me than the radio station which is on all day, every day. I will preface this by saying that as far back as I can remember I have been close friends with people who love the two types of music I simply can't bring myself to enjoy: Country and Jazz. I say 'bring myself to enjoy' in the literal sense, because I have tried unsuccessfully for years to get over my aversion to these genres. In any case, for the last year and a half I have been innundated with a barrage of songs full of "twang and trains and hillbilly thing" and thought I would share, in ascending order, the 5 most obnoxious country songs on the radio today, and how they've acquired this ignominious status in my feeble musings.

#5. "She wouldn't be gone." Yes, she would. She left because you're a selfish prig, which is now expressing itself in self pity. "If I'd have loved her this much all along?" Please. Countless relationships have been restarted and failed because one party mistook self-pity for love. Keep crying at the windshield and leave her the heck alone.

#4. "Any man of mine." I really don't have time to get into all the reasons this one is obnoxious, but let's start with the most obvious- it represents the blatant double standards of the feminism in the 90's and to some degree the feminism of right now. Any man of mine better do a, b, and c, and if I change my mind about what any of those things are, over and over, he'd better say "I like it that way." The simplest way to reveal the idiocy of the song is to perform a little egalitarian swap. Introducing the hit single, "Any woman of mine." .."better walk the line, show me a teasin' squeezin' pleasin' kind of time...And I can be late for a date that's fine but she'd better be on time..." Do I need to go further? Try it with "That don't impress me much", too- although my favorite part of that song is when she's trying to be hip and says, "you much be joking, right?" But both in the wording and delivery it's so painful that she might as well be saying, "Clearly you mustn't be serious, am I correct?" Walk that line, Shania...

#3. "Don't you know you're beautiful." Just the way you are...once you go on a ultra-conforminst mainstream "singing" competition...and use your prize money to get new teeth, a new nose, and other various enhancements...then you can sell individuality like some repackaged robot. Nice message, totally disqualified performer delivering it...


#2. "8 Second Ride." This song embodies the full grown backwoods male adolescent fantasy: carefree sex in the bed of your jacked up and tricked out pickup. It contains the purest strain of modern cowboy: one who not only disapproves of all things not country, but views himself as the only remaining pure specimen to be found, who evidently is in some demand. To be honest, every guy has probably had the fantasy of going to a party, social gathering, etc. and having some attractive girl turn to him and say, "Please take me out of here." This song is no different, except upon exiting the local watering hole, this cowboy's conquest turns to him and explains that the reason she chose him was due to the circumference of his tires and the 14 inch lift kit his cousin installed in return for some chicken-fried and gravy soaked provisions. He invites her into his sanctuary, but warns her to "watch the cup where I'm spitin my dip inside." I always tried to clean my car before I took girls on dates, naively not realizing the innate pheromones in my trash. And spit, apparently.

#1. "The Cat's in the Cradle." To be fair, this classic folk rock song was written several decades ago, but finds itself getting airtime due to another conspicuous idiosyncracy in the country music world: the unapologetic and relentless repackaging and covering of songs without regard to genre, era, or fear of appearing to be an unoriginal pandering money-mongerer. From such relevant artists as All for One to Marc Cohn, it seems none are safe from some 3-toothed good ol boy who, in an apparent moment of lucidity, changes the radio to a top 40 station, listens to a few classics, and says (lucidity having now passed)..."Yeah, that won a bunch of awards 'n stuff, but you know what it could really use? Some slide guitar and sub-par vocal embellishments." No, no it doesn't. Just leave people's good memories alone, please.